Thoughts : A long time, a short visit ..

So I actually like to be alone..

First things first, hello! It’s been a long time. To my few readers, I sincerely apologize for the absence, and I appreciate every single one of you. The past few weeks have been rough.

Yesterday, I was talking to my friends, and during the conversation, one of them casually said, “Oh, it’s okay, I can stay at your house.” I replied, “Yeah, sometimes.” Her response was, “You are not very welcoming.” My honest retort was, “Yes, I am not, and since I don’t even like my house right now, I will be even less welcoming!”

And truthfully, I am not really welcoming of people in my personal space. I like to be alone.

I don’t support being with people past a certain limit. That’s why I prefer going to other people’s houses, because I am the one who can leave at any time.

Think about it: if people come to your house, they ultimately decide when they leave. What a headache! My social battery runs out quickly, and I can only support my family for an extended period of time. Even then, we (as a family) all share similar behaviors, so everyone understands when someone doesn’t want to talk anymore.

I only want to host people when everything is perfect. And for the past few years, nothing has been perfect for me, at least. Okay, nothing can be perfect, but close to perfection? I want the right appetizers, wine, cocktails, the games, the playlist, the right plates and glasses!

I think this might be PTSD from all the stress my mom put me through when she was receiving guests when I was a child. She wanted perfection at all costs.

Even with my romantic partners, I rarely want them to stay for a longer time because my internal voice is asking, Why are you not leaving? If I ever get married, having two bedrooms doesn’t look that far-fetched anymore.

I support people in small doses, like medication. I might love you from afar. I like to be in my bubble, watching my K-dramas, being in my own space, not sharing it.

It’s crazy because my love language is also physical touch, well, mostly with so-called lovers. So, I like to be alone, but not lonely. I still communicate through phones and social media.

So, yes, I will welcome you for a short period of time. But please do not outstay your welcome, otherwise my mood will sour. However, being able to share the same space with people and comfortably stay in silence with them is perfection to me, so there are a few exceptions, though!😉😂

Hope you are well and until the next time, stay safe and warm !

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